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Interviews and Articles
Click to View Essence Magazine: Dr. Shane Interviewed about Questions Couples Should Ask Before Tying the Knot
Click to Listen to XM Radio Interview, “The Power”: Dr. Shane Talks About the State of African American Marriages
Click to View The Psychology Today Magazine: ADHD Relationships — 7 Tips to Get the Focus Back on Love!
Click to View Washington Post Article: WETZSTEIN: Black marriage needs win-win
Click to View Washington Post Article: Congresswoman Norton’s Forum at Focuses on Marriage in Black Community
Click to View Examiner Article: Dr. Shane Perrault and Audrey Chapman Address African American Singles and the Tale of Marriage
Click to View Dr. Shane’s Blog at BlackandMarriedwithKids.com Article: Black Male-Female Relationships — How Do We Heal Our Pain?
Click to View Black Christians News Article: What Happened to Black Marriages
Click to View “The Afro” News Article: CBC Examines State of Black Marriage
Click to Washington Post Article: A Candidate Who Mirrors Their Lives Black Professionals See Obama’s Trials, Gains as Reflection of Their Own
Essence Magazine: Dr. Shane Interviewed about Questions Couples Should Ask Before Tying the Knot
ESSENCE.com spoke with Shane Perrault, Ph.D about the questions couples should ask themselves prior to tying the knot.
ADHD Relationships: Getting the Focus Back on Love!
Miscommunications, un-kept promises, impulsive decisions, late arrivals -– these are just a few of the challenges that can arise between couples when one of them has ADHD.
These challenges are often rooted in differences in vantage points and communication styles. People with ADHD make sense of the world differently than others. For example, have you ever noticed that your partner hyper-focuses on things that truly grab his attention, and may tend to show up late because he got lost in time? Or that he tends to breaks promises to you, despite the fact that you have expressed your disappointment in this habit?
If patterns like this repeat themselves, you are likely to take it personally and feel disrespected. But these annoying traits typically don’t mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you. Face it: you both simply focus and experience time differently (and by the way, have you ever considered that some of your traits may annoy him too?).
It’s easy to understand how symptoms commonly associated with ADHD (hyper-focus, impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity) can affect relationships. To complicate matters, most people with ADHD are not diagnosed until they are adults – if at all – and even fewer receive treatment.
Once you commit to developing an understanding of these differences, you and your partner with ADHD are on your way to a much more fulfilling relationship.
In light of some of the discord they experience, frequently the partner without ADHD wonders “why was I attracted to someone with ADHD in the first place, and why am I still in love with them despite the challenges?” Their responses frequently indicate that their partner with ADHD also has many positive and endearing qualities:
- Creative
- Energetic
- Authentic – perhaps to a fault
- Charming
- Risk Taker
- Fun!!!
For better or worse, here are seven tips that can help you and the one you love to live happily ever after.
- Seek a professional diagnosis. Get a diagnosis to determine if your loved one actually has ADHD.
- Educate Yourselves. The most important thing for an adult diagnosed with ADHD and their partner is to educate themselves. While an ADHD diagnosis may initially be a relief, it is a very complex diagnosis and the symptoms don’t disappear or become any less hurtful simply because one receives a diagnosis.
- Work closely with your doctor, psychologist and/or ADHD coach to create a treatment plan. Your partner should find out not only if he has ADHD, but also if he has any co-existing conditions – for example, anxiety, depression, substance and/or alcohol problems – that can impact his treatment (and your relationship).
- Determine what behaviors prevent you from being a fulfilled couple. If you love someone with ADHD, you can probably easily name at least one of his behaviors that seems to be interfering with the relationship. But relationship problems don’t develop in a bubble. Be humble enough to recognize that you may need to work on being more tolerant and identify your own blind spots or challenging traits. Work together (and with your ADHD professional, if possible) to find solutions.
- Look at your household chores and determine if they are divided according to your respective strengths. As strange as it may sound, I’ve found that household chores tend to be a sticking point for couples dealing with ADHD. If one partner is more organized or adept with finances, then the chores they focus on should reflect that (e.g., balancing the check book). If the other spouse is more energetic, their chores should be those that require more movement (e.g., doing yard work). Instead of trying to get him to change, a better solution is to divide chores by strengths. This will increase the chances of them getting done consistently and fairly, as well as reduce stress.
- Set aside quality time to spend together – make sure you date your spouse. Find someone to watch the children and do something fun together. Make a list of things that you both enjoy and spend some time each week on one of those things.
- Sex. Could your sex life use a pick me up? Have you ever considered that challenges related to ADHD, including reactions such as lowered sex drive due to medication, could be preventing you from keeping your sex life as lively and fulfilling as it could be? The good thing is, with open communication with your partner and therapist, you should be able to get your sex life back on track relatively quickly. Talk about it!
All couples view the world differently and communicate uniquely – this fact may just be heightened for couples with ADHD. If your partner has ADHD, I encourage you to use these seven tips to turn potential challenges into creative ways to grow closer to them and get the love you deserve, when you deserve it!
Black Male-Female Relationships: How Do We Heal Our Pain?
Shane Perrault, Ph.D.,
Founder of AfricanAmericanMarriageCounseling.com
I. In my last Blog post, I talked about the Civil War between Black males and females. I must admit your responses were overwhelming passionate, insightful, clever and thoughtful. I thank all of you who read, tweeted, commented and otherwise joined in.
With few exceptions, Black males and females alike felt “United We Stand; Divided We Fall.” In addition, there was a groundswell of concern about what specifically we can do to get past the pain. I agree we need specifics and not more rhetoric.
(Before we go any further, in the picture above who did you assume hurt who? Did he hurt her or vice-versa? Your response may have more to do with your gender and the collective pain you have toward the opposite sex, than the picture itself. It was selected because it is neutral, and could be interpreted in countless ways. For example, did he just tell her he has another woman pregnant, or was on the “down-low”; or did he just bust her out for cheating; or find out he failed the paternity test.
Your initial interpretation may unwittingly reveal just how alive your pain is, and how it colors your experiences with the opposite sex. This picture is kind of like a “projective” inkblot test psychology has made famous. They teach us that feedback tells us more about the observer than what is actually observed. Try and be mindful of what your initial conclusion tells you about yourself, and how that might be impacting your relationships with the opposite sex.)
II. This blog post will talk about some specific things you can do to start the process of dousing the pain that fuels the fire destroying black male-female relationships. You are also called to get involved, as your responses to the last blog post and to the picture above clearly demonstrate it is going to take a Village to save Black Relationships.
Before we introduce specific steps, I challenge us all to really look in the mirror.
Is there anyone out there that hasn’t hurt someone else? God knows, a bolt of lightening would come through the ceiling if I tried to say I never hurt anyone. I have lied, cheated, manipulated; and have definitely passed over a good-one to get to a bad-one cause her skirt was tighter. (And those are the things I can say in public. Believe me, I’m not proud of any of this; just being real about it.)
Am I alone here?
Doubt it! So let’s move on. Working at a Methadone clinic for heroine addicts, I came to realize that there are few pure victims in the world — or perpetrators for that matter. Victims are blameless; Perpetrators are solely to blame. I went into the clinic thinking these addicts were perpetrators – and frequently they were; after hearing their stories I discovered they had frequently been victims, too. In reality, they were both, or what I refer as “survivors”: that is, they have been hurt, and have hurt others.
The term “survivor” represents the notion that most people are both victims and perpetrators. To promote long term healing and healthier relationships it is crucial that we shift to the “survivor” paradigm.
You might be wondering aloud but what does being a “survivor” have to do with him/her doing me wrong? Directly, very little! However, when it comes to how we view each other in a collective fashion, it makes a huge difference. (Consider how you viewed the picture above.) Thinking of ourselves as both survivors shifts us from the reactive, blaming mode, to a proactive, accountability taking mode. This paradigm shift represents a process that will ultimately empower us to move forward.
It is much easier to forgive a “survivor” than a perpetrator.
Shifting to the “survivor” paradigm represents a revolution in thinking, and this revolution is a prerequisite for sustainable change. It’s hard to start casting stones at the entire opposite gender, if you truly take responsibility for having done wrong yourself. This change also positions us to truly start to forgive each other and ourselves.
I am confident that if you reflect on personal experiences, that you will recognize it necessary to forgive a real or perceived transgressor to respect and love them. No the first step is not easy. In contrast, being a psychologist has taught me it is doggone impossible to do. However, to start the healing process for black relationships, we must make this paradigm shift.
As you become more comfortable with this concept, I challenge you to start promoting it in your conversations.
III. Here are some specific steps for you to take to help end the Civil War between Black Males-Female Relationships:
1. Seek a Higher power. Pray that you can forgive and be forgiven. I also recommend the CD, “101 Ways to Transform Your Life,” by Dr. Wayne Dyer.
2. Start taking responsibility, become a survivor. If you need too see a therapist, then get one. You will have to get past the stigma that talking to a psychologist like myself is somehow reserved for crazy people. Crazy people are inpatients on psychiatric wards, and don’t come and see psychologists, therapists or counselors.
3. Start educating and, yes, correcting each other. If you see your boy/girl about to choose the cruddiest partner ever check them.
4. Fathers, and, yes, mothers if you haven’t seen your kid, go see them. They don’t care if you’re broke, down or up, or whatever, they just need to see you care. Mothers, if you child’s father wants to see his child and he’s not abusive, a stalker or otherwise certifiable let him. (I know this last comment will strike a nerve, as we do have some trifling brothers out there, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I’ve seen some good, stand-up brothers come out on the short end of the stick in the system.)
5. Start holding viewing parties of “Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage.” Get the DVD, and start some dialogue. We hold parties for every other reason under the sun. Hall Harper’s book, “The Conversation” is also a good read, and would be nice for any book club.
6. Lastly, I challenge you to get involved. I am having a contest to discover more ways we can promote the “survivor” paradigm shift. The top five ideas will be included in the next Blog post. Keep in mind this site currently has 22,000 fans, so you can really help a whole lot of folk – and be seen too. It’s going to take a Village to Make Black Relationships work, and your help is appreciated.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading the comments you post on this blog.
Dr. Shane
Founder of AfricanAmericanMarriageCounseling.com
Dr. Shane
African American Relationships: Let’s End The Civil
Currently only 32% of our Black children are born into two parent families in America. In slavery and up through the 1960’s those numbers were in the low 80%s.
These numbers are scary, and suggest black men and women are in the midst of a Civil War.
And it’s gotta end.
First to my sisters, you undoubtedly have had some very hurtful experiences with black men. I feel your pain.
We have hurt you; and, unfortunately, you have hurt us, too.
As a black psychologist, I question how we can help turn our collective pain, as black men and black women, into something that works for the greater good of the community.
As a black man, I don’t believe black men hating black women, or vice-versa, is going to help end this Civil War, much less help us to thrive. With only 32% of our children being born into two family households, I don’t believe we have the luxury of sitting around trying to figure out who is to blame — truth be told, we both are to blame.
To turn those numbers around, we have to start to talk with each other, learn from each others’ pain, and start to figure out how to move from our current lose/lose situation and start to create a win/win.
Black men, I think it’s our charge to start the process of forgiving and leading positive change. We really don’t have a choice…don’t you agree that the 68% of children being born in one parent homes certainly deserve more.
My brothers, we are the best marketers in the world. Vitamin water, shoes, golf balls, music, even pants that fall off your butt — we can sell elevator shoes to giants, and make it in-vogue to wear them.
Why not promote our Sistas (and marriage to them)? If not us, then who? Besides they are an excellent. Personally, rather than continuing to contribute to this lose/lose situation, I’m willing to swallow any I may have felt a black woman cause me for the greater good and say let’s do better by each other in the future.
We have a choice: either our pain, or winning.
I hope we decide to make winning more important than our Pain. I know that’s a hard thing to do, but the alternative is setting the next generation up to further this lose/lose trend.
So here we go: I forgive you my Sistas for your transgressions, and pray you can forgive us for ours. We share the same history; and, undoubtedly, the same future.
Let’s partner and make that future a brighter one for the next generation.
Dr. Shane
Dr. Shane Perrault Speaks to the Congressional Black Caucus at Congresswoman’s Forum, “Single Women, Unmarried Men: What has happen to Marriage in the Black Community?”
D.C. Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton had to “sweet talk” the fire marshal because so many people packed her Congressional Black Caucus forum.
Dr. Shane Perrault was one of the featured speakers for this event.
Read the article here in the Washington Times.
Read the article here in the Washington Post.
Read the article here in the Examiner
Watch Dr. Perrault’s presentation here:
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