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Get Them to See Your Point

Video Transcript

What’s going on there. I’m doing okay, what you, I might help you, Man. Listen, I’m at my wit’s end right now, this woman, you know, I do my best to provide a great life for her and the children, you know? I mean, they don’t want for anything she doesn’t want for anything. And right now I’m very frustrated because I have some,

some, some business goals that I’m trying to achieve. You know, they want to take a little bit longer to, you know, like the, to get these things accomplished, but she keeps nagging me about, you know, starting a business. And, you know, we got a little safety net we’ll reserve that we’re, that we have tucked away,

you know, for emergencies. But, you know, because of the moves that I’m trying to make, I need to make sure that that is right there, that, you know, the family secure that she secure. And, and I need to figure out some way to make her understand what life is really about, because I don’t think she gets it.

Got it, sir. I, I, I get your frustration. I know you guys have had this challenge before, so what is she saying? You know, I can tell you what she said, but you might’ve. I just added to the call one second. Okay. Hey Karen, listen, I got Dr. Shannon on the line right now and I just filled him in on what we’ve been going through.

What, why did you call him? Why, why can’t I don’t understand why you had to call him. We could have just handled this ourselves. I don’t think we could handle it ourselves. Like, you know, we’ve been going back and forth. You know, we’re pretty much at war right now with everything that’s going on. Wor I think that’s a bit much,

I think that you need to learn to listen to me and hear my Principle. I just don’t think you’re hearing me. I don’t think you hear me. How you doing ma’am you know, you guys kinda going at this pretty strong. Why do you want this business and why do you want it now? Ma’am Dr. Shea, let me just say about for about 17 years,

I’ve followed this man. I’ve done everything. He’s asked me to I’ve birth three children, and I actually had a career of my own, but when his career started to take off, I had to put my stuff on the back burner and let him do him. But I think he sometimes forgets that I have my own dreams and my own goals and the things that I want to do with my life.

And it’s not just to be his wife and to be the mother of his children. There are things that I want to accomplish, and I don’t think he understands that nor does he want to respect it? Yeah, I, I get your frustration ma’am and he told me personally, and Karen, just the sacrifices that you made because you were doing really,

really good. And he went from, you know, being a corporate rockstar on the rise to listen to kids talk all day. So I get your frustration. So why are we struggling so much to, you know, get this done? I want to use some of the money that we have in our reserve to simply put into my business so that I can begin to grow my own business.

And I don’t think it’s too much to ask considering all the support that I’ve given him over the years, Over the years, let’s say, it’s not about support, baby. I gladly support you. I gladly I’m behind whatever it is that you want to do. I just need to finish the moves that I’m making right now so that we can be secure.

But as soon as, as soon as we get there, like whatever you want to do, whatever little business you want to do, you got it. I know Karen and I get what you saying, here we go. Well, let’s do this. You guys come in. I don’t think we’re going to be able to hear each other. Your temperature seem to be pretty high.

And you’re both trying to, you know, make some decisions about taking care of your family. So let’s just talk more in person. Okay. That’s fine, Dr. Shane, but what do you suggest that we do right now? Because I don’t want to this to prolong any much longer. I mean, it’s going to go on another 17 years and we’re going to be right here in this same spot again.

Yeah. Well, the one thing we got to do is figure out how to create a win-win. So let’s just come in and let me get more of the information and kind of see what’s important to you both and figure out how do we just cut a deal and that’s the best way to win a war as the war we don’t have or stop having.

Okay. Okay. All right. All right. I look forward to talking to you. All right? Yeah. Make it a great day. You know, sometimes with couples, it could be a real war to roses. You know, we talk about how we feel because things are so important to us. I listened to this couple and be us what you they’re both saying something really, really important. 

He has gotten to the point where he’s actually ready to support her because she gave up a brilliant career, very educated wife, smart lady. And she’s been at home with the kids for 17 years. And ladies, you know how mine numbing, that could be in a particular way, although very fulfilling and passionate and another. So we had to cut a deal.

We had to cut a deal and we cut that deal by getting them to see each other’s point, getting them to see each other’s pointers. You could hear in that conversation, they were simply saying their point louder. Like if I jump on this table and I scream at the top of my lungs, you’re going to get it. So in those cases to get your point heard, we ask you to do something else. 

It’s kind of jujitsu in a way, right? Where you use their momentum against them in jujitsu. So you do, you have a superior opponent. You don’t try them out, muscle them, you out angle them. So what we had them do is listen to each other. And he was very nervous about upcoming tax bill that he did not want to become a lien.

And we were pretty close to tax season. We had two months and he had to work. These extra shifts, had the Moonlight and couldn’t see past it. But he really was at the point, she, on the other hand was, I’m not going another day. I have some money. I want to use this money to invest in my business and I want to do it now.

So we simply cut a deal. So we had him say her point, Hey, I know you want a business. I want you to have a business. I want you to be the success I met you at. You’ve done great bio family. And I know actually you’ll be doing something great for our family. So a lot of you out there and thinking agreement and acknowledgement are the same thing.

They are not. If you acknowledge someone’s point, you don’t have to agree with it necessarily. Although her point, it just made sense. So a funny thing happens when we acknowledge someone’s point, their hearing gets better, not when we holler on the table. So she simply says, okay, I didn’t see that comment. And she says, well, what about the shifts? 

I need you to be home so you can help me with the kids. And he says, look, I promise you, after the 15th of April, I’ll cut back. And then he said, but I might need some extra, extra money. She says, I’ll tell you what until August until August, when the kids go back to school,

why don’t you do this? Why don’t you agree? We agree that you could work one shift a week, one shift a week. And he said, I’ll tell you what you could use, the money that we have now I’ll bring in more than enough to cover that they were able to get a deal done. So let me say this to you, and you really need to hear this when we are arguing and we’re going at each other. 

Our blood pressure is above 110 beats a minute. At that point, this is according to Dr. Gottman. We can’t take in new information. Those two couldn’t hear each other. They really were saying the same thing. He really knew it was time. And she really wanted him not to have a tax lien happen because they didn’t want no problems with our house.

But when we’re above 110 beats a minute, the blood goes to the reptile brain and not the front of the brain. The reptile brain is fight or flight. It’s like a saber tooth tiger. I need to find a way to beat it or get out the way. And so the blood goes to our extremities. We, it doesn’t go to our hearing.

Okay? So they couldn’t hear each other. But once we acknowledged the other person’s point of view, the blood drops, and now we can take in information and hear each other. It goes to the frontal lobe and we could distinguish it had air coming towards me, but that’s not a weapon in their hand. That’s a phone and they’re smiling. And they’re trying to cut a deal.

I say all that to say to you, if you want them to see your point, start by seeing theirs or at least acknowledging it. So they feel heard and now they don’t have to listen in the conversation, just waiting to respond to counter attack. What you’re saying anyways, that is the key. Start by finding one authentic thing they’re trying to do.

And just acknowledging I’m Dr. Shane and Matt. Thank you.

Dr. Shane Perrault

Dr. Shane Perrault

Over the last 19 years, Dr. Shane has partnered with over 5,500 couples. It's been his honor to help them reconnect, and he's committed to helping you and your partner live your happily ever after.

Hi there, I'm Dr. Shane.

I’ve helped over thousands of couples reconnect and I’m committed to helping you, and your partner live your happily ever after.

I’d love to connect with you today.

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