Video Transcript
Dr. Shane African-American marriage. Counselor. May I help you? Dr. Shane, this is Amy. Amy. How are you doing today? I am so frustrated right now. Oh My God. Okay. So things got a little out of hand today with me and Jim and I just completely lost it. Lost it. I lost it. The cops ended up here at the house and we just got really bad.
Is everybody okay? Yeah, everybody’s fine. For the most part, but For the most part, how did the war happened? So, Jim and I have been going back and forth about things and renovations and changes in the house and he wants what he wants and I want something different and I get a little bit crazy when I want what I want and my attitude gets bad and my mouth gets bad.
And unfortunately, this time he called me the B word and I lost it. I completely lost it. All I know is he called me a bitch and I just started throwing stuff. I don’t even know what I hit him with, but glasses of pictures, just anything I could find, I just started throwing it. So, so let’s just back up here.
Let’s just slow down and kind of get this at a pace. Maybe we can digest here. Okay. So we’ve talked about you guys, deescalating things. Do you did any of that? Was that remembered in that interaction? Yeah, But I think that once he called me out of my name, I was done with it. I just snapped. So I’m not trying to be insensitive here,
but what happened before you used the B word? Everything was pretty good. Where are you in his face? Where you being relentless? Like we’ve talked about not doing, Yeah. I definitely put my finger in his face. Things just happened so fast. Did you say something to him? Cause he says you usually emasculate them when you get pissed off like that.
I don’t really look at it as a masculine thing. I just tell the truth. Okay. I, so what did he do once you told the truth? He called me out of my name for the most part. How’d the police get there? Well, because of all the noise and the Starbucks’s the neighbors, I’m pretty sure they called them. I’m not really sure.
Nobody fessed up to it or anything, but all I know is the police showed up. Did he get, I mean, did they take him down? Did they take you down? What did you say to the police? Once they got there, We got cited for domestic disturbances, but Oh God, you know what this is going to do to security clearance.
Don’t you? Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m calling. I just I’m disappointed. I don’t know what happened. Okay. Okay. I know we agreed on how to stop this from happening, but that’s neither here nor there let’s figure something out. Less get you. He’s free. He’s not in custody, is he? No, we’re both free.
I left the house, but nobody’s in custody. Okay. But we don’t have no protective orders or anything like that. No, we didn’t do anything. Okay. All right. Well, let’s get you in here and let’s just get, get started. I mean, hold, this is going to be difficult, but what we’ll get you to do it.
Okay. So what should I do right now? I think in the meantime, we should not have much contact with each other and let’s not do more damage. Let’s do some damage control by just not doing more damage. Okay. And figure out how to do, I mean, I’ll check with her. I’ll get you in tomorrow. Okay. That sounds great.
I’m just going to stay at my mom’s. I think that’s a great idea. I think that’s a great idea. Okay. All right. Thank you, Dr. Shane. All right. See you tomorrow. Take care of so A lot of people want to talk during a conflict. So there’s two ways of resolve a conflict. We could approach it or we could avoid it.
And I know avoidance sounds like your feelings. Aren’t going to be heard. And I get that. But the reality is once we get above a hundred beats, 110 beats a minute, depending on how fit you are, all the blood goes to the reptile brain and you don’t go to the executive functioning. So we don’t even hear each other because we can’t take into information.
We’re prepared for fight or flight. So couples always want to talk at that time. Well, you wouldn’t deal with my challenge I had to. And they go, and the person’s like, look, I’m trying to get out of here. I’m trying to deescalate this. Just recognize, Hey, you’re not going to resolve it. But B you’re very likely to do more harm.
Something is going to happen. We’re going to forget the context. Like she forgot all the things completely blacked out on putting her hand in his face. Some of the things that played the role am I saying, you should have called her a beat? No, am I saying things should’ve gotten like that? Absolutely not, but we don’t remember the context.
We just remember the person’s final action. We don’t remember what role we played in putting him in that position. So there’s a lot of reasons that we have to agree not to do more damage because we could do every Roca damages and we have these differences that are irreconcilable. So the first thing we got to do is agree to do no more damage. Wait for cooler heads to prevail the escalate,
the situation. If you absolutely in a crisis, have to deescalate them. Talk about their point of pain. Talk about it. Like, Hey, I know when I do mask a mask, relate you how it upsets you that or that I know what it feels like when I say things like the B word, I just lost it. I don’t mean to disrespect.
You let’s figure something out. Let’s talk later. Very important. So if you’re interested in figuring how to deescalate things, here’s one way you could do first get some rules of engagement on how you handle the fight and what are our absolute ways to get out of there. But I have of course, B of communication. If that works for you, if it doesn’t call them,
make an appointment. African-American marriage counseling factor saying.
